The Hardest Decision I Ever Made
For as long as I can remember, my daughter has been my reason to keep going. She’s been living with family since she was one, and for most of her little life, I’ve been fighting quietly – sometimes loudly – to become the mother she deserves.
When she was around four or five, the Department of Communities and Justice became involved while I was in jail. The reason they became involved was not because of anything I had done, but it didn’t matter – I wasn’t there, and I couldn’t care for her from behind bars. The decision to let her live with family was one of the hardest I’ve ever made. I was battling addiction and couldn’t support either of us properly. Deep down, I knew I had to step away to get better – but letting her go broke something inside me
The Emotional Weight I Carried
The emotional weight of this journey has been heavy. There were days when I didn’t think I’d ever be strong enough to rebuild my life. I grieved the mother I couldn’t be – the one she needed, wanted, and deserved. I faced judgement, loneliness, and a system that felt painfully slow – the ongoing battle, the people who didn’t want to support her return, and the exhaustion of knowing she wanted to be home but I couldn’t give her that yet.
Four Challenges That Tested Me
1. Having to make the decision to let her go to family.
2. Not being able to be the mother she wanted, deserved, and needed.
3. Knowing I had to go away to get better so I could come back stronger.
4. The struggles of the last nearly three years — DCJ’s slow process and emotional exhaustion.
Rebuilding My Life, Piece by Piece
Over the past three years, I’ve had to rebuild everything – piece by piece. I completed the Circle of Security program, maintained more than seven years of sobriety, found stable work, secured my own accommodation, and committed to regular therapy. Each step wasn’t just about ticking a box for DCJ; it was about proving to myself that change was possible.
The Turning Point: From Long-Term Care to Restoration
Then one day, after years of waiting, I got the news that changed everything. DCJ had agreed to change our care plan from long-term care to restoration. Those words carried more hope than anything I’d heard in years. Suddenly, my daughter and I were able to have visits – not our usual visits with family, but in my home. I’ll never forget the joy on her face the first time she came through my door and called it “mummy’s house.” For the first time in a long time, I felt like her mum again.
Closer Every Day, But Not Home Yet
She’s not home full-time yet, but we’re closer now than we’ve ever been. Every visit feels like one step closer, every laugh between us proof that love really can survive distance and time. My biggest hope – and my goal – is to have her home by the end of this year.
What This Journey Taught Me
Looking back, I don’t see my past as a mark of shame anymore. I see it as a story of survival, resilience, and the power of love. My daughter gave me reason to fight, even when I wanted to give up. This journey taught me that healing isn’t quick, and restoration – both personal and parental – takes time.
A Message for Others on This Path
If anyone reading this is walking a similar path, I want you to know this: change is possible. Even when it feels like the process will never end, keep showing up. Keep doing the work. One day, the pieces really do start to fit back together — and when they do, it’s more beautiful than you ever imagined.
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